Hello, all! I’m back from a 2-year absence on wordpress and have new material to post! I am utterly thankful for all the support I’ve gained these past three years and hope to bring better material in the future!
Anyway, this Thursday marks one year I broke up with a “gamer”, or person who loves video games to the point of becoming socially isolated (and therefore, inept), and I had valid reasons to do so.. I feel a lot of people can learn from my experience, and that posting my thoughts are not so self-serving and cathartic.
I met this guy at school in the fall of 2014 and he seemed sweet enough. At first, I felt I had a lot in common with him as we started talking, and it seemed he was comfortable enough with me to talk about things that were going on in his life (loss of a parent, starting a new school, etc.) After a week later of meeting this guy, he wanted something closer than a friendship.. or so I thought..
The first signs there was a problem in this “partnership” was when I asked him if he used Facebook and if he’d like to add me. He said he never had Facebook and didn’t use it. Well, twenty-four hours later, I walked into my school library, (where they have the huge computer screens and you can get the idea of what site a student is using) and while walking past him, he was on.. You guessed it… FACEBOOK. I asked him, “hey, John*, I thought you didn’t have a Facebook?” He looked up at me, and said, “oh, I’m sorry I lied to you, Cara, but I have to keep my Facebook a secret because of personal reasons.. I do feel bad about lying to you…” It turns out, his Facebook under a different name, was composed of pictures of Godzilla and other pictures of Kirby, as he initially thought I was too shallow to understand his “strange” interests. Nevertheless, I overlooked it and wasn’t going to let this guy think of me as shallow.
The other problems came up when he didn’t text me for weeks, and would blow off any plans I wanted to make with him, and would come up with some excuse not to when he found it convenient to text me. (“I had to watch the painters at my apartment”, “I had so much homework to do”, “I had to do some chores for my landlady,”) and what-not. Even though I had some bad feeling about keeping this guy around, I wanted to take the good with the bad, because I believed things would get better over time. Another issue was that he only wanted to talk about the baggage his other ex-girlfriends gave him in his previous relationships. “My last girlfriend was bi-polar, my other girlfriend before her would slap me and hit me, and the other girl before that admitted she cheated on me and broke up with me..” etc., and I had to keep reminding him that I was not those other girls, so he would stop talking about them. In March of that year, after not texting me for two weeks, he tried catching up with me on campus and apologized for not contacting me for whatever his excuse was. I didn’t say much to him and said, “Sorry, John* I got nothing to talk about..” and I walked away from him without making any gesture or eye contact. Eventually I started contacting him again, after all, he did act sincere about not contacting me.
The other problems came up when he didn’t want to talk about anything, but wanted to play on his Nintendo DS and act as though I was invisible in the same room with him. He also avoided me when he was talking to his other friends at school, and would ignore me on top of that. At that time, I told myself I was being too negative and over-thinking the situation.
Another sign this guy was not good for me, was when he didn’t want to talk about anything else other than himself and his problems, “the professor looked at me funny when I told him what I was going to school for,” “I can’t do this paper.. I feel like a total failure,” “My other friend Jim* got me this summer job but the staff are mistreating me and hurting my feelings,” “I feel like I have a lot to prove to everyone else”, when I made some suggestions to help his situation, he just pretended not to hear me, and continued to piss in my ear about how it was pouring on him.
During that summer, after not hearing back from him via text or Facebook (even though he was on Facebook all day everyday), I asked his close friend Carl*, whom John* introduced me to when we went on a double-date with him and his girlfriend if I did something wrong to make him not want to contact me or go out with me, and that I had to question if I was dating him or not. Carl* told me, “Cara, you’re not the only girlfriend of John* who contacted me before when she felt he was blowing her off. You see, John* has this problem where he doesn’t keep in touch with girls and he doesn’t see a problem in that. His other girlfriends got fed up with being left out of his plans, and personally I can’t blame them for breaking up with him.. In all honesty, John* is only keeping you around to call you his ‘girlfriend’ but that’s about it.. It’s not going to get any better for you two.” After learning this from Carl* I felt I had some closure, that it really wasn’t my fault things weren’t getting any better, and John* was only living in a fantasy where he doesn’t want a real relationship (you know where you got out of your way for the other partner to make them feel appreciated and cared for), but calls these women his “girlfriends” like they are some kind of accessory to his empty, bland life. But he talked about these women like he was some kind of victim and that they gave up on him.
For some reason, I decided to contact John* and ask him if I was doing something wrong to make him not want to talk to me, and he assured me he was just tired from working that job that “made him so miserable.” Again, I wanted to put effort into this “relationship” and thought things would get better after asking him what was going on. However, Carl* proved to be right. John* did not care about me at all, and was using me as some asset. I truly believe John* suffers from some sort of low self-esteem because he has limited social skills and limited perspective, but instead of dealing with these problems, he wants to indulge in this fantasy life with video games. I think because of his unhealthy attachment to video games, he doesn’t know what it means to be in a relationship with a woman, or how to obtain job skills, or do anything useful in the real world. On the other hand, I admit I enabled him in that sense because of all the second, and third chances I gave him during this “relationship”. Like the video games he’s obsessed with, I just let him keep pressing the “reset game/try again” button. His extreme attachment to video games also hindered him from trying anything new and this became more apparent when he kept blowing off my suggestions to go out to eat, or go on a boat trip with his friend Carl* and his girlfriend. His past relationships failed mostly because he’s isolated these women and would rather spend time staring at a screen and pressing a controller than make them feel valued and secure.
During the end of that summer, I was going through my own problems, as I lost a loved one, and was preparing for my last semester at school. I didn’t need John* to use me for his own selfish agenda. I did not respond to his text and would not respond to his Facebook messages either. When he found me at school I had him follow me to a somewhat private room at school and said “John*, I’m not happy and this isn’t doing anything for me. I just lost somebody over the summer and I have too much to deal with. Is there anything you want to tell me?” John’s* response was, “Oh.. I know it’s my fault, I screwed this whole thing up.. You know I’m sorry for your loss, but you don’t know what I’ve been through all this summer.. The people at my job were abusive to me, and I failed a few of my classes.. anyway I know you probably resent me.. well, see you around.” In summary, that was the last time I ever spoke to John* again.
Later that night, Carl* contacted me and said “I heard you broke up with John*, how are you feeling?” I explained to Carl* that I didn’t want to break up with John*, but things were not getting any better, as he predicted. He asked me if John* tried to even contact me at all during the summer. After I said that he barely contacted me, Carl* said, “I knew something was wrong, because I told John*, ‘even when I had no car, I would always make some effort to see my girlfriend’.. He just sat there completely silent.” Carl* gave me enough closure and made me realize I made the right choice in breaking up with John*, because all he was doing was “using me for some fantasy when he just expected me to be there waiting for him at school after months of no contact on his end”. After talking to Carl* I realized I should have listened to my intuition about John* and told him “GAME OVER” a lot sooner It would have spared me a lot of wasted time and wasted effort.
In conclusion, if you read this and are facing a similar situation with a partner who is not doing anything for you, I highly advise you to get out of there fast. People like that are not worth your time or efforts. You cannot help a person who does not want to be helped.
Thank you for reading. (Names with * are changed to protect the identities of real people.)
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